A Letter to Myself on the Anniversary of Pregnancy Loss

Pregnancy Loss – A Reflection

pregnancy loss

This week on the blog, I’m taking a slight departure from my normal content. I also talk all about this on this week’s episode of The Mindful Mama Birth Podcast. I wanted to take a pause and address something that is such an innate part of the human experience – pregnancy loss. In 2014, my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

The experience of pregnancy loss changed me. When you lose a baby, your brain works differently. The way I was treated and the impact of this experience is one of the many reasons I feel so passionate about supporting parents in pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

Although this was many years ago, I wouldn’t feel right glossing over my experience. So, here is a letter I wrote to myself as a reflection on pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Thank you for taking the time to walk with me and witness my story.


I’m so excited to finally be pregnant.

I looked forward to this moment for so long.

I never thought it would happen.

I’m full of wonder, joy, fascination…

I feel my body suddenly take on a new sense of value and worth that is new to me.

And that day…

I felt a little crampy

Is this normal?

What is this supposed to feel like?

I sat down on the toilet…

Peed…

And wiped.

Pink-tinged urine saturates my toilet paper.

Fuck

I feel fear and terror paralyze my mind and body

Is this normal?

My mood immediately shifts from joy and dreamy vibes to fear and terror and disappointment

I knew it was too good to be true

I knew there was something wrong with me

I’m not good enough

What’s wrong with me? 

I flash back to all the little things that remind me that I’m just not good enough or worthy enough to be a parent

I’m not responsible enough

I’m not smart enough

…not tough enough

I’m not beautiful enough

I’m not worthy of this

I don’t deserve a baby

I am nothing 

Everyone else is better than me

They were right about me all along. 

Later I feel some more cramping

A constant reminder of these feelings

I wipe and see brown blood

I call my doctor’s office in terror to see what I can do

Later, I had an ultrasound

The painful probe inside my body felt like knives

Stretching

Searching 

Violating 

Who the hell thought up this torture device? 

They remove the ultrasound probe

I feel wetness between my legs 

They won’t let me see my baby

They can’t tell me anything

No one knows anything

I go home feeling paralyzed in fear

The fear, disappointment, uncertainty, and terror grip every part of my being

It’s all I can think about 

I feel worthless

Once so full of hope, now a piece of garbage

Violated

Discarded

Defective

My husband had no idea how to care for me 

My family doesn’t talk about these things

I’m supposed to keep it a secret

I’m supposed to make sure other people feel comfortable

I suffer in silence

I keep it to myself 

The days go on

More cramping

More bleeding

Another probe violating my body

Grasping onto one last hope to prove my sense of worth

Holding on to one piece of hope 

I’m sorry

There is no heartbeat

I sat there and sobbed and sobbed

Alone in the ultrasound room 

“Shhhh shhhh be quiet now.” the sonographer tells me

Clearly I was making a scene

She shuffled me out into the next step of their care

Ultrasound to the nurses for routine blood pressure & vitals screening 

It was as if no one had any idea what just happened

It was absolutely surreal

I was just told my baby was dead

And yet they needed to take my blood pressure

“Have you ever had high blood pressure before?”

I am sitting there in the blue chair trying to stop hyperventilating to appease the nurse

Who just wants to do her job 

I am stuffing it all down and I feel it like a ball of fire in my throat

I meet with my doctor

He suggests a d&c

I agree, wanting this ordeal to be over with as quickly as possible 

Can I please move on with my life?

He asks if it’s okay if another doctor does it, he’s too busy. 

Too busy to care for me

Too busy to care 

I’m not important

I’m not worthy of care

I come in for the D&C

My husband says, 

“Do you really need me there?”

“Do you need me to leave work? I don’t understand.”

He doesn’t care. 

I’m not important.

I’m not worth his time.

Eventually we check in.

I get hooked up to whatever medications…

Too distressed to ask questions

Just get this baby out of me as quickly and painlessly as possible

My nurse was an absolute angel

She was the first person to ever tell me…

I went through this too

It was the first time I ever experienced connection with another person in this journey

True connection and care

She sees me

She sees my pain

I feel like I’m in her arms 

Some comfort for the first time

I melt a little

I’m terrified of being awake during the procedure

…terrified of holding on to the memory of my baby being scraped out of my uterus

I’m terrified of remembering the rough hands in my vagina

I wake up

Suddenly realizing I’m no longer pregnant

But feeling loopy

I’m drinking ginger ale

My pelvis hurts like hell

Moving hurts

I feel like my hips are ripped open

It’s all over 

I called my family to let them know

“Well, do you really need us to come?”

I’m not worth it

I don’t deserve their care

I’m damaged

I knew it all along

They were all right.

“You just need to get over it and move on!”

“You need to suck it up!”

I go to my follow up appointment with my doctor…

He said…

“You should probably avoid conceiving again for a long time, you’ll be scared shitless.”

 

And now…

Fast forward to 7 years later

Seven years full of growth, experiences, sage wisdom, pain, and joy…

Oh the things I could tell myself…

 

You are worthy of love and care.

Your body is a temple

Four strong, glorious, radiant, passionate, and confident births later…

You can do anything.

You can do things that are hard.

Your body is strong and healthy.

Miscariage can be a normal and healthy life cycle

Your body is so smart

So perfect

That it could recognize when something wasn’t working right

And it ended the pregnancy

It’s a process to be honored

You can allow yourself time to honor

The fear that you feel is really the feeling that your innermost fears and voices are confirmed

The loss confirmed that the voices in your head…

The voices of others…

Were true. 

You received messages for so long that told you that you weren’t cared for…

That you weren’t worthy…

You were made to feel less than others…

People put you down and you believed them

You are worthy of love and care

Even when other people make you feel otherwise

Stop looking into external sources of validation

External sources of care

External sources of love

You are worthy of those

But they are never guaranteed

You can’t make people see you

You can’t control other people’s opinions

But you can see yourself

You can love yourself

And honor yourself 

You don’t have to accept other people’s voices as your truth

You’re going to experience so much joy…

And pain…

And all the little moments of radiance, passion, joy, struggle, grief, and love…

Pregnancy does not define your worth

Other people do not define your worth

The words of others do not define you

I’m sorry that you had to experience this

This was your initiation into parenthood

It’s like a fucking brutal hazing ritual

It’s over

You are safe now

And there is so much more waiting on the other side

Take time to follow your own inner truth

You didn’t get the ritual you deserved and needed

You didn’t get the care and love you needed

But you can love yourself

You can honor yourself

Because you are worthy.

You are worthy of love.

I am worthy of love. 


Want to connect with me? Join my Facebook group called Follow Your Own Compass! Connect with me and other parents who want to follow their own compass in pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting.

Let’s take the next step together. Enroll in my best selling childbirth education course called The ULTIMATE Holistic Birth Course: How to Have a Confident, Peaceful, and Powerful Gentle Birth. Use the code FOLLOWYOUROWNCOMPASS in June for 50% off the course. Gain instant lifetime access to holistic childbirth education today!

Leave a Reply